Life—Pretty Much NOT Like a Box of Chocolates

I recently read a post that included that infamous freaking Forrest Gump quote:

"Mama always said, 'Life is like a box o' chocolates; you never know what you gonna get.'"[dialect added]

So let me first admit that I'm not a big Tom Hanks fan. It's not like I hate the guy or anything. It's worse—I'm apathetic. It's just that every time I watch Tom Hanks act, it's the same thing; I just see Tom Hanks. Sorry—I think he must be a great actor, but somehow I always just see Tom Hanks acting like someone else, not the actual character. Now Kevin Costner, on the other hand—don't even get me started on Kevin Costner.

But back to my point:

LIFE IS NOT LIKE A FREAKIN' BOX O' CHOCOLATES

First off, every box o' chocolates I've ever seen had a little map with it, allowing even the most inept among us to divine the true nature of each little, tiny, chocolatey morsel.

Second, for hundreds and perhaps thousands of years, chocolatiers have swirled the chocolate type on the top of each chocolatey piece of unicorn heaven. So even without a map to the riches of chocolate, those with some craftiness and intellect can find their favorites and avoid the nonfavorites.

Life, meanwhile—well, you know life. No road map and no swirl (most of the time).

And thus ends my subtle but desperate plea that folks stop using this now-cliched and incorrect phrase to exemplify events that are unpredictable. In doing so, you are creating irony upon a foundation of silliness.

Note: I'm joking.

Cheers.