Thomas Edison—Loser

Current Wars

Particularly enlightening is the section on "Edison's publicity campaign," for those who may not have believed me in the past that Edison electrocuted dogs, cats, and other animals to somehow demonstrate that DC power was safer, rather than that he was merely an abysmal failure as a human being.

Cheers

How BMW Differs from Mercedes

BMW and Mercedes? Any difference? Are the owners different? I mean, really, they're just two pretentious German car brands, right? Ah, grasshopper, but that you could be right, but alas, you are not. To wit, the following commercial from Mercedes that has been making the rounds on the airwaves of late. Watch at the very beginning, and check out where this guy parks. Then watch at the end, and you'll see it again. That no video editor at Mercedes's ad agency caught the subtle message, or if they did, that no Mercedes executive thought it worthy of reshooting, speaks volumes.


Prost!

Boycott SeaWorld

Seems a bit like an odd request from someone living in Southern California, perchance?

Not really. I have as much respect for other living mammals as anyone else. And as little respect for their abusers. If you haven't seen The Cove, you should. And this more recent one, as well—it's called Blackfish:

Blackfish—by CNN Films

The only thing worse than people abusing other living beings, is people abusing other living beings who can't defend themselves, then hiding under the guise of pretending to be the abused's protectors.

Hey, I'm not an A**hole, I'm an NFL Owner, Damn It! And no, I'm not Familiar with the Word "Synonym"

On days like yesterday, I marvel at the cognitive dissonance that must be necessary for some people to maintain sanity, and a pulse. To wit, please view, if you would be so kind, Exhibit 1: NFL owners.

Why is it that a group of billionaires gets a legalized monopoly on its football markets, then has the chutzpah to black out broadcasts when their crappy teams don't sell out games due to bad personnel decisions made by those same owners? The blackouts even apply if you pay for a premium service like NFL Sunday Ticket. For any other product, without handouts like free stadiums and monopoly pricing power, the lack of sales would send an important message, but for NFL owners, there is simply reinforcement that they are super-duper-smart-and-awesome-business-jerks.

And for that, I'd like to help with a simple cognitive revision: you're not super-smart, you're just assholes.

You're welcome.

PS The Chargers finally have the right coach, but the damage done by Norv Turner is not corrected overnight. Then again, the Chargers had the right coach about eight years ago, so it's still a guessing game about Spanos's ability to assess anything related to sports. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he fired McCoy after this season, due to idiocy. And yes, the extra "s" was intentional--look in the newest edition of the Chicago Manual of Style if you're confused.

Welcome to the Second Great Depression, a Comedy in Three Parts—Part I, Reality v Fiction, or How Laziness is Destroying our Minds

Occasionally, I'm forced to slam people's barely functioning brains into the plate glass window that I like to call reality. It's not something I want to do, or particularly enjoy, but as Dave Grohl famously sang, "This is a call."

What often comes of such action is the accusation that I'm somehow a pessimist, mostly because I'm not willing to let a feel-good story get in the way of facts and critical reasoning. Or perhaps because I'm unwilling to let others, often with suspect motives, do my thinking for me, spoon-feeding questionable facts as truth. Or finally, it may be because I have so little respect for established "authorities" that I'm always skeptical of information, regardless of its supposed source.

I fail to see how any of that is pessimistic. I'd rather be skeptical than a sycophant for supposed authorities who render truth on high, blind to their motives, which often run counter to those of the public at large.

Bear with me, if you will—this play will ultimately come back 'round to its opening scene (but not until Part III).

More after the jump.

I Wish I Had Come Up With This

Not really, this is completely boring. But I do wish sometimes that my name were Van; that would be rather cool. Or that I had come up with the website www.tharptraderfest.com. Instead, I just have the site www.gesucksballs.com. Oh well.

Steve Ballmer RIP

Just a little sumpin' sumpin' in memory of Steve Ballmer and his visionary leadership. I just wish I had a video of him when he's super mad. I bet he breaks a lot of stuff—even here, he looks like a vein on his head might explode at any second. [Two additional Ballmer classic videos after the jump.]

Enjoy.

You're right, no one will pay $500 for a phone. Oh, wait...

Spiritus in Machina

Acxiom is a data-mining company headquartered in Little Rock, AR. It's also really hard to pronounce (I'm guessing, as I've never actually heard someone say the name) and spell (so much so that it is misspelled as "Axciom" by such luminaries as ZDNet and The Huffington Post). I believe Acxiom prefers to be called a targeted marketing and planning company, or something like that. None of that is particularly relevant to this post, however; please review the following from Acxiom's website:

Last time I checked, the US population was slightly north of 315 million persons (US Census Bureau). Which begs the question, what exactly is Acxiom counting?  It occurred to me that perhaps the 500 million included all the people who have died and been born since Acxiom started keeping records in 1969, going by the name Demographics.  Since that time, approximately 96.3 million US souls have departed this mortal coil, based on CDC info and extrapolating for the last two years (US CDC WONDER Database). The current population already includes new births (as well as anyone born prior to 1969 who is still alive today), so we get to 411.3 million potential US consumers. Something is amiss, I think. My theories:

• Acxiom has multiple instances of the same people, so they have a higher raw count than the actual number of people who exist
• They are rounding up—badly
• You know those duplicate songs, pictures and other files you have on your computer? Acxiom has that problem, too
• Pets have been added to the database
• Imaginary friends are included in the database
• Someone forgot to Google "US population 2013," so instead just guessed from memory
• The immediately preceding person's education was subpar, was hampered by excessive use of mind-altering substances, or both
• Spiritus in Machina

* * *

Fuzzy Math

“Pension has been a drag for a decade.” 

Jeffrey R. Immelt

GE Chairman and CEO

Investor outlook meeting, December 14, 2011

Much like determining what the meaning of "is" is, apparently "decade" means "next year," or in this case, 2012, since that was the year GE made its first pension contribution in 24 years.  Perhaps he was referring to non-cash accounting items.  Sadly, those of us in the real world don't consider those to be actual expenses, since no actual "cash money," as we in the streets would say, has to be paid.  

Never count out the white knight, however; the federal government is always happy to help out giant mega-corporations, with a handout attached to a highway bill, no less, cutting the cost to the company by $2.5 billion.  And to think, Obama claims to be a democrat.  He's just a career politician like all the rest.  But please, call them muses, let's not get tawdry on my blog. 

Oh, and the coda?  The heat of having to pony up some funds for the first time since 1987 was just too much, so the company chose to shut down its defined-benefit pension plan to new employees at the end of 2010.  Ah, that explains the quote above.  It's not fuzzy math, just the inexorable, never ending, spin...

Based on original posting at:  GE's deep pension freeze | Pension Rights Center

Spin Doctors, "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"

Note:  Lead singer in video is not Jeff Immelt, nor is the girl, well, nor is anyone in the video.  Just want to avoid any confusion.  You might not have been confused, but my head spins like I'm in an Alice in Wonderland tableau when I read GE company quotes.

As an aside, the source posting (same as right before the video) makes a reference to Thomas Edison.  Not the nicest guy in the world.  Too bad this didn't actually happen:

Oh yeah, you can buy the stunning artwork above here.  And last but not least, the great debate about the genius scientist (ahem, that's Tesla, in case you were confused) and the hack who put a bounty on neighborhood pets and strays, then electrocuted them in public to show the danger of AC electricity (that's Edison, by the way), lives on:  Nikola Tesla > Thomas Edison.  Many apologists have come out since to defend Edison and his animal-killing ways (let's not forget that killing small animals is the first step on the slippery slope to serial killerism - maybe we need to delve a little deeper into Edison's past), but they've mostly relied on historical writings as their basis.  I'd have to say, having read a history book or two, that I have yet to read one (at least in the broader context of public education) that gives a true account of our country's treatment of its native citizens, Japanese internment camps, and dozens of other  atrocities committed in the name of keeping people safe, or more often, simply greed.

Burnin' for You

At times, it makes me sad to think that the sourpuss Brits (you know, the ones our forefathers ran from because they lacked a sense of humor) have regained their sense of humor, while we've lost ours.

Effigy burning is protected as free speech by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. I know, right? I'm amazed. Actually, I'm not. It's sort of obvious in a country like ours, that protects freedom of speech more vigorously than perhaps any other, that our Supreme Court Justices make the effort to discern the difference between burning a giant (or miniaturized) cyclist in effigy, and actually setting that person on fire.

It's recently come to my attention, however, that some Americans, even those born here, are unaware of this. Which would mean they're either clueless, or living in a perpetual state of hubris, one in which laws can be applied or misapplied at their whim. Or they're faking it, which at least is better in one sense - the histrionics of the fakers are much more entertaining than those of the stupid and egotistical.

Sometimes, a rose is just a rose.

(Originally posted at Google+)

British Armstrong effigy causes outrage

Another in the growing list of examples of human beings failing to (1) have a sense of humor; and (2) understand even the most pedantic of situations (i.e., that Armstrong fixed his races, and the Edenbridge organizers actually wanted to burn more than one effigy, but they were sensitive to the kids who might attend, so chose the feelings of children over those of the cheater in yellow or his fans. Well done, mates!).

After years of having to listen to Armstrong apologists with all their lame arguments for why he absolutely, positively couldn't be a cheater, it's hard for me to have any sympathy for their arguments now. That's like saying we should appreciate all he's done with his foundation, while let's say, hypothetically, we should ignore that he's a complete ass to people (oh wait, he is). Now, go back to your James Frey nonfiction, oops, I mean fiction.

Oh, and in case you wanted to see how it went down....

Lance Armstrong! Burned Alive! Video!

Not nearly as exciting as The Teds (RIP), but I don't think they had a staff writer for dialogue. It was 30 feet high, though.

------------------------------

* With apologies to Blue Öyster Cult...Burnin' for You

**********

Conspiracy Theories

There are some who believe in conspiracy theories, such idle ideas as the Plunge Protection Team and Zeitgeist.  Silly people.  I mean, other than the fact that the PPT exists, much of Zeitgeist has already occurred, and the DJIA has finished up on every Friday of 2013, i.e., 9 times in a row, there's really nothing to these silly ideas. 

Editorial Note: I added this additional information after the original post.... Perhaps you're saying to yourself, 9 Fridays in a row with the Dow Jones Industrial Average closing up on the day, is not really any big deal. It's merely coincidence. So let's look at this line of reasoning. First, the "gut check" approach. How often have you seen someone spin a single color (red or black) on a roulette wheel, 9 times in a row? It's entirely possible you have, but extremely unlikely unless you happen to work the roulette wheel at a casino, you're a degenerate gambler with a love for roulette, or perhaps a graduate student in mathematics. The actual likelihood of this occurring is the probability of a single occurrence, to tge power of the number of observations. So if the Dow is up half the time, down half the time, the probability is simply .5 for a single occurrence. With 9 Fridays thus far, the probability that the Dow would be up 9 consecutive Fridays is (.5)^9, which equals 0.001953125, which is simply 0.2%, which means that such an event randomly occurs, by chance, roughly 1 out of every 500 times (the actual number is 512, which is the solution of 2^9). To be more real world, one should account for the fact that over long periods, the stock market indices have a positive slope, which is to say, they tend to go up as a function of growth in the economy, population, and inflation, among other things. So, the probability of the market being up on a given day may be somewhat more than 50%. How much? Who knows? It's not critical for this example. I think a generous number to use is .60, while I think the right number is probably closer to .55. If one uses .60, the resulting probability is about 1%, five times larger but still not very likely to occur (i.e., it should occur one time out of 100 sets of 9 Fridays, all else being equal). You may want to note two footnotes to this footnote, fn^2 you could call them. One is that if you assume that up days have more magnitude than down days, then up days and down days could still be 50/50 and have a positive slope. Secondly, roulette is not a 50/50 proposition, since there are two green spots on the wheel, for 0 and 00. That's the casino's payout: 2/38 = 1/19 ~ 5% to the house, generally (also called the rake, or edge). Against a player betting a color, the casino's odds of winning are 20/38 ~ 53%.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Not-So-Hasty Retreat from the Subprime Meltdown

Finally, some dinner theatre around this place.  Master, servant, pimp, whore?  I'm not sure, but I do think it's funny when you are accused of being one of the foregoing, and your response is to issue a lengthy press release trying to absolve yourself on several theories, including these:  (1) Technically, legally, given the environment and the players, and our First Amendment rights, we really didn't do anything wrong (that's a paraphrase, but I'm pretty sure they didn't use the words ethically or morally); (2) Hey, other people did it, too, but you're only picking on us.

Uh, okay.  Let me help you, since you seem to be unclear on the concept:

"Hey, man, we might be bad, but look what we got paid.  It's not like we were working for Heidi Fleiss; at these rates we're just common streetwalkers!  Seriously, when these banks pay us for a rating, scratch that, pay us to independently review an issuance and give a completely impartial, non-biased third-party opinion from the best of the brightest minds from only Ivy League schools, we're getting paid for the equivalent of a hummer, while offering full service and party favors, which is simply unfair. You can hardly visit the Hamptons with that kind of pay, let alone buy a place."

See, that sort of appeals to the DOJ's sense of fair play, that the investment banks are more evil than you, since they were the ones buying the ratings, oops I mean paying for the independent reviews.

Not really, I'm just kidding.  You're screwed.  But, hey, I'm pretty sure the folks being referenced in #2 above are in the on-deck circle right now.

Editorial Note:  Yes, that's right, the rating agencies have asserted that their ratings are protected by the First Amendment, and in most cases the courts have agreed. What they fail to mention is that this is to protect them from being sued when they either say something bad about a company, or make an unintentional mistake. I'm pretty sure wholesale fraud and lying are frowned upon and not protected, just like they are for the rest of us chumps.

Here's the source article:

DOJ Complaint Against S&P Filed in Central District of California

Toyota Carlsbad and the Continuing Crisis...in Spelling

Oddly enough, the following advertisement was changed the day after I shot this pic.  Then, this morning (a couple days later), I see that it's back.  Toyota Carlsbad, because I feel for you in this epidemic overtaking our nation, I will spellcheck your ads for free.  Though I may require you to fire your ad agency first, since the ad itself pretty much blew.  My opinion is free, too.  'Cuz I'm a giver.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10200379613752464&set=a.1077245050883.2012466.1218937021&type=1&theater

The pic, in case the link doesn't work, or you're simply scared of The Facebook:

People Unclear on the Concept

I've always thought Oracle was tremendous at marketing its products, especially since they tend to suck so much.  In fact, they make a software (Java) so poorly designed and executed, yet so widespread, that it is single-handedly responsible for many of the most destructive internet security breaches of the 21st century.  Like any true marketing organization, a la P.T. Barnum, that doesn't stop Oracle from touting "security" and "stability" when marketing this plague.  And lest you think it's unfair to pick on a single product from Oracle, I'm not - this one just happens to be in the news right now.  They make plenty of other products that suck badly, though those ones tend not to open your internet portal to cyber-criminals by merely clicking on a web page.

iTunes - Striving Hard to Underwhelm and Confuse...and Succeeding!

It was a close call tonight. I almost had a heart attack, or might have spontaneously combusted, if what I had seen were true. Fortunately for me, it was merely a head fake by the King of Head Fakes, Apple.  I've always hated ripping my CDs to iTunes.  Not because it's hard to do - insert, rip, done.

The problem is the aftermath that remains.   iTunes often has problems finding artists and artwork, a problem which only seems to happen when one rips one's own CDs to iTunes rather than downloading.  So, I often have to select all, type in the artist name, then all the track names, then copy in the artwork (I suppose I should just rip the metadata from AWS or a similar source, but on principle I don't want to give in, and implicitly endorse iTunes' mediocrity).

To be fair to Apple, and let you know just how anal I am about my music, I don't have a single track out of over 10,000 that is entitled "Track __", nor do I have any songs named "Unknown Track" or any bands named "Unknown Artist." I also don't let iTunes find song titles for me, because I've discovered over time that some people actually upload to discog and other services, as source material, all words in lower case, as well as misspellings, unneeded abbreviations, incorrect labels, etc.  Not coincidentally, the aforementioned are all very high on the list of things that annoy the hell out of me. So I keep it organized myself.

A Shameless Plug for Nationwide Insurance....

Since I have no problem bashing corporate titans at every turn, it seems only fair to give some props when due.

My neighbor backed into my car a few weeks ago.  No big deal, but as you might know, even at 5 mph, the damage can be pretty expensive.  This is doubly so if you happen to own a German-made car with a 5 in the model name.  I called Nationwide, set up an appointment with the adjuster last Thursday, and he came out this morning.  He checked out my car, then went back to his car, searched online for parts and all of the repair times and codes, and came back with an 11-page written estimate, and a check for the entire repair amount.  It should be noted that the total was almost identical to the amount that my body shop (which is not on their approved list) wanted to repair the car.  All this within an hour.  

I have Mercury as my insurance company, but I will not hesitate to consider Nationwide the next time I'm shopping carriers.  

Why Not Me? It's Not Like the Chargers Have Any Qualified Management Right Now....

Hey Spanos, give me a call, I've got some ideas for you.  First, you may want to fire your GM and your coach.  But hey, I'm flexible on these things.

Soul on Fire

    And so it came to pass in those days, that a famine had set upon the earth.  Feeding on the general malaise of the people, a power arose from the East, and gradually enlisted the populace to its armies.  Several men rose to power, mostly through cunning, but some through brute force.  One of these was particularly gifted in both areas, and became the man that many looked up to, or at least feared.  In most quarters, the men and women of knowledge and privilege called him Charles, or the Conqueror.  But amongst the serfs, he was known as The General, the Slayer, or Lucifer (often shortened to Luke when speaking in the open).
    The General's power had become so great, in fact, that many considered him the supreme ruler, and were ready to lay down their weapons for him at any pass.  Because of this, many men of independent beliefs had subjugated their lives to serve a person whose motives they truly didn't know, but preferred that to the uncertainty of what would happen to the first person to openly rebel against his power.
    The Great One, looking down from above, was told of The General's great power, and of his stranglehold on the lives of the people.  Believing this was wrong, not so much because it was wrong to control the people, but because he was not the one doing it, The Great One sent an avenging angel to earth to smote The General.  And so it was to be.