Why You Should Never, Never, Never Buy a Cal Flame BBQ, Cal Spas Spa, or Any Other Cal Spas Product

Located in Pomona, California, a few years ago Cal Spas decided to move beyond just making crappy above-ground spas, and into the lucrative world of manufacturing crappy barbecues and barbecue islands. Thus was birthed the excrement known as Cal Flame and Cal Flame BBQs. I was unfortunate enough to receive one of their little crap-mobiles with the purchase of our house, and it's been nothing but headaches ever since.

Somehow these idiots managed to put the gas shutoff valve behind a concrete wall. Nice job, fools—now if I need to make any repairs, I can choose either to shut off the gas main (a major pain in the ass) or I can daisy chain gas pressure regulators on top of each other (easy but stupid).

Beyond that, though, the gas valve system on a Cal Flame BBQ is so poorly designed that it constantly suffers from seal breaks that lead to gas leaks and excessive heating of the knobs. I know this because I once touched one of said knobs when the BBQ was supposedly off. It was, but the gas was still coming from the valve, and continued to burn. Ever try touching 900 °F stainless steel? I have—trust me, it leads to second-degree burns, at best.

But does Cal Flame care? Nope. They sent me to some dealer in Spokane who supposedly bought the BBQ from them. Funny thing is, that dealer hasn't sold Cal Flame for 14 years, and the BBQ was manufactured 10 years ago. Liars. Oh, the main reason the dealer in Spokane no longer sells Cal Flame products? Terrible customer service, and also trying to pass the buck onto dealers, even for manufacturing defects.

And finally, my BBQ was one of the first defective POS's off the assembly line, so to get people hot and bothered, Cal Flame offered a lifetime warranty. A lifetime warranty that, by the way, is completely worthless if ownership is transferred.

Even today, Cal Spas touts on its website that it offers an " Industry Leading 10 Year Warranty" on its spas:

Funny thing is, even for its top-of-the-line Genesis model, the lifetime warranty is nullified if ownership is transferred:

Come to think of it, that's not actually very funny at all. At least we know that people never sell their houses, right? Either that, or Cal Spas is being a little crafty with what it touts and what it actually delivers on. Cal Spas, apparently, likes to hide behind smoke and mirrors.

So, in summary, don't ever buy a product from Cal Spas, Cal Flame, or any of their other terrible little companies. They are grifters and charlatans.

Cheers.

Go, Go, Godzilla

Mastodon / Gojira

The Fox Theater, Pomona, California
October 17, 2014

by Brent D. Tharp

Gojira at the Fox Theater in Pomona, California, October 17, 2014

This review was originally to be of Mastodon’s show at the Fox Theater in Pomona. But you know how it goes—sometimes you’re pumped up like a peacock on prom night, only to discover that your date has strep throat, is suffering from a bad case of the clap, and is simultaneously dating the entire lacrosse team. Or, in Mastodon’s case, that you have a seriously bad sound guy.

I even proferred him a helpful note after the first song, informing said sound guru that the levels were so high that Mastodon sounded like incoherent white noise. Even at the top of the house, it was impossible to make out anything the band played. The volume came down shortly after the start of the set, but the incompetence did not. During one number, guitarist Brent Hinds used a slide, but when put to the strings, the feedback compared unfavorably to a screeching hyena in heat. After getting a thumbs-up from the sound guy, Hinds put the slide back on the strings, only to be assaulted by further earsplitting feedback. He finally turned his palms up, the universal symbol for “WTF?” and opted to play without the slide. So much for solid sound engineering for a national touring act.

This debacle was somewhat reminiscent of the Rob Zombie show in San Bernardino last year, wherein the guy running the board failed to inform the band that the house sound was dead and that only the monitors were live. So incompetent was he that the band rolled right through to another song before they were finally informed that the sound was out. Hope that was some killer ganja, dude.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, I was going to review Mastodon, so here goes. Mastodon played. They were loud. They may have been good, or bad, but I don’t know, because their sound guy totally blew. The end.

But is it my adoring fans’ fault that Mastodon’s sound guy committed a fail of epic proportions? I say no, my friends, it is not. Therefore, I bring you ... Gojira. For the uninitiated, Gojira is Japanese for Godzilla, which is what the band were originally called. Apparently, some other band already had the name Godzilla, so this creative foursome took the next logical step and found a foreign-language equivalent.

One quick note: this review is a bit atypical of my music writing, as I won’t be reviewing songs individually but only the show overall. As a result, I'll be covering this in less detail and more for overall "feel," and the piece is much shorter than most (probably to the relief of many). Hey, don't blame the player, blame the soundboard.

Gojira at the Fox Theater in Pomona, California, October 17, 2014

On this particular night, opening for Mastodon, Gojira were less like Godzilla and more like a four-headed Cerberus ascending to earth from the fiery, mucky marsh of the Styx, bringing hell and damnation to the delight of all in attendance.

Following this ascension from the gates of hell (to clarify, Gojira do not actually hail from Hades; they are from Ondres, France), Gojira thrashed, strutted, gutted, assaulted, and controlled their audience from start to finish, never letting up as they pounded relentlessly through their set. Lead singer Joe Duplantier easily traversed the transom from melodious pitch-perfect phrases to primally guttural throat-wrenching growls and spats. Guitarists Christian Andreu and Jean-Michel Labadie were in sync throughout, and showed versatility in playing both loose and tight as the set list and audience required.

As the tension of the set increased, Gojira played on like a musical Tesla (the inventor, not the band), pushing the audience to an emotional crescendo, comprising a vast human venturi of sweat and emotion. Technical musical prowess was tempered by restraint, and the audience stayed in step with the changes throughout the set, a sign that fans were completely and emotionally connected with the band.

Not to give short shrift to drummer Mario Duplantier, but there’s little to say, really—he is one of the most technically proficient drummers in the world, and equally gifted creatively. He pounded and tiptoed through the lens separating timing and creativity, excelling at both.

All in all, Gojira were impressive, and more than made up for the musical debacle that would follow. Not that Gojira need a defining baseline to their music, but to call their music “intelligent metal,” or the band “the French Black Sabbath,” would not be in error.

A visual display of Gojira fans' rabidity

SET LIST
Gojira, the Fox Theater, Pomona, CA, October 17, 2014

1. Explosia

2. The Axe

3. The Heaviest Matter of the Universe

4. Backbone

5. Love

6. L'Enfant Sauvage

7. Toxic Garbage Island
8. Vacuity

Additional photos:

Gojira at the Fox Theater in Pomona, California, October 17, 2014 (photo by Andrew Stuart)

Gojira at the Fox Theater in Pomona, California, October 17, 2014 (photo by Andrew Stuart)

Gojira, the Fox Theater, Pomona, CA, October 17, 2014 (photo by Andrew Stuart)

Cheers.